Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Signing II: This Time It's Bromley

Well, a big thank you to everyone who came to see me at last Saturday's London signings. In the spirit of public service announcements, I'm here to tell you I'll be at the Bromley GW store this coming Saturday from 2 til 4 approx, and the following Sunday (June 3rd) I'll be a guest at Conflict London at Alexandra Palace (along with Graham and Jim - yes, it's three-for-one day at Ali Pali!). BL probably know much more about when and what the three of us will be doing on the day so, as they say, check press (or the BL site at least) for details.

Quatermouse and the Mitt made me laugh (see last thread), and I can't let it go unanswered.

Quatermouse and the Kit

"So in fact what you're saying," said Quatermouse, with a slightly crestfallen air, "is that I should have painted it before I stuck the transfers on? Bum."


Robert said...

(Laughs.) I think I know someone who did that.

And I certainly know someone who used primer so close to his models that the plastic melted. His Catachans looked like Dilbert.


Quartermouse and the Spit

"Aren't you supposed to spear the animal head-to-tail when roasting it, professor?"

"Obviously you never read my paper: The Effects of Using a Transverse Rotational Axis In the Thermal Preparation of Roast Squirrel."

Hardy blinked. "What IS your PhD in?"

Toymachine said...

These are getting so random its actually fun


lordy said...

Well, I'll be at Conflict - I've got some new books that need signing.

And I'll deny that's my main reason in going, in front of a court of law.


Dan Abnett said...

Excellent one from Robert.

How about:

Quatermouse and the Britt

"I say!" said Professor Bernard Quatermouse, quite flustered, "weren't you once married to Peter Sellers of the Goons and romantically associated with Rod Stewert of THOSE trousers?"

"Meh," she said, and looked across the party for someone less tweedy.

Dixx said...

Loving the Quartermouse and Spit short stories lads.

Im new obviously so just thought i'd join the fun. Loving your writing Dan. Gaunts Ghosts for me.

Matt looked up from the keyboard as his imposing girlfriend walked in, filling the room with a chill with just a look...

"What the F..."

To be continued :P

Soapy said...

Can I ahve a go? Okay then here goes.

Quartermouse and the tit(wait for it)

"By Jove" exclaimed the professor "the little tinker's had the lid off my gold top again."

Preparing for one of Quatermouses famous 'breakfast conbobulations' perkins returned to his cornflakes.

From beyond the kitchen window came he sound of avian sniggering.

Robert said...

Good entry, Dan. This is way more fun than the Planetkill competition.

Quick, before I have to board the plane...

Quartermouse and the Fit

"Does this serum have any negative side effects?" asked Hardy, rubbing the needle mark.

"Why no," said Quartermouse. "The seizures last only a few minutes each, and are quite therapeutic for the spine."

Matthew F. said...

Quatermouse and the Snit.

"Professor? Are you in there? Come on now, you've been sulking in your room all day. It's time to come down to dinner."


Jesse said...

Just seeing if there are any Stephen King fans out there.


Quatermouse and the IT:

"Professor, you've left the deadlights on again!"

"Oh, terribly sorry," he replied, wiping dead-clown ichor from his hands.

If that didn't work, here's another random movie quote:

"Now I swear, the next one of you PRIMATES even touches me. . ."

Jon S said...

At the signing at FP on Saturday you said you and Andy were involved in the next Marvel Annihilation event (Conquest?), so is there any chance you can somehow write in an appearance of Death's Head or Death's Head II?? I think he'd be a perfect character to show up in an intergalactic battle!

Dan Abnett said...

Death's head and DH II, huh? Well...

IT, Snit and (ahem) Tit were all fab. I especially love the gradual introduction of junior underlings like Hardy and Perkins. You see? THis is how writing works. And no, we can't turn it into a book.

Oh, and Jesse?

Jack left town.

marco said...

Hmm, not sure I dare post this... You'll definitely have to work out the title of this one yourself.

"Oh this is no use, Daisy my beloved," sighed Quatermouse. "That mail order-only volume covering all matters pertaining to happiness in the matrimonial bed said it was like the pearl in an oyster, but I'll be jiggered if I can find it."

Matthew F. said...

See, now, I'd thought of the word, but couldn't come up with an oblique enough way to use it. Kudos.

Dan Abnett said...

Matt's right. Kudos, Marco. I've been trying to find a way to do THAT one for several days.

I respond with the following:

Quatermouse and the Gite

"It's quite nice, isn't it, profesor?" said Hardy. "Do think it's an auberge, or more of a pension?'

"I think," said Quatermouse, "that it is, in fact, a complete gite."

Dan Abnett said...


Quatermouse and the Switt

"You ask her," whispered Perkins.

"No, you ask her," Hardy replied, "I'm far too embarrassed."

"Oh, for goodness sake, you two!" Quatermouse exclaimed. He got up and went over to the neighbouring table.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but didn't you used to be in M*A*S*H?"

Dan Abnett said...

AND (you lucky people)...

Quatermouse and the Grit

Quatermouse put the reins between his teeth and drew his six shooter and his Winchester.

"Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!" he growled.

Jesse said...

Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up!

I'm off to Disneyland with my family. This will be my sons' first time. I can't wait! I am SO picking up a Jack Sparrow hat, which I am SO going to wear next time my nation deems it important that I go to Iraq.

Have a good one, all.

marco said...

Off to Disneyland eh? Don't forget to go on their new secret ride.

Dixx said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dixx said...

Quatermouse and the Mit

"In adverse weather conditions, one should always wrap up good and warm." he shivered against the biting wind, "However mine does not seem to be working"

"Professor...thats a sock..."

Dixx said...

(I have actually done that. Thinking it was a mitten...genius..)


That fact that I wore mittens is quite.... well decide for yourself!

Martin said...

Great gods of nowhere, I loved the Switt :D
M*A*S*H... oh for crying out loud, this one got me really wasted :))

Martin said...

Oh, and before I forget...

How much time you needed getting stoned like that, Dan? Posting these things, and in such fast order... or are these all the gathered, un-used awkward things of all your years of writing?

Love it, keep going :)

Dixx said...

Randomness is the key to much humour.

Quatermouse and the Kit

"To find one's nature reflecting on what clothes you have on is a tad goofy in my opinion!" Quatermouse sighed, "Its truly vulgar sometimes."

"Professor", Hardy exclaimed. "You are wearing a tweed jacket with nylon trousers!"

Quatermouse glanced into the mirror...

"I think I look quite dashing actually!" He grinned like a wolf.

"I don't!"

Years later, Hardy's remains were found under a desolate country bridge...

Dan Abnett said...

Martin - drugs play no part. I have to say these are off the cuff, but then I do get paid to make shit up for a living ("you'd think he'd be better at it!" they all immediately post).

And so:

Quatermouse and the frite

"And what is this supposed to be?" asked Quatermouse, holding out the small wicker basket.

"That, sir," said the snooty waiter, "is a French fry."

"Well," said Quatermouse, "shouldn't there be more than one?"

Ba dum, and as they say, tish!

nik said...

Quatermouse and the grit

"Bend down, Hardy. No, get in the light... yes the corner of my hankie is clean"

"but it huuurrts.

"Oh...do it yourself."

No prizes for guessing who the funny one of the family is?

Chris Roberts said...

Thanks for

nik said...

of course, that should have been quatermouse and the grit (II)

I never said it'd be original

Chris Roberts said...

Thanks for that lovely trio of images: grit in eye, grit in other bodily orifice and unspecified night time hankie fetish mongery.

I may never sleep again....

Damn that random enter button

Nik said...

Quatermouse and the Chit

"No really, Miss Corinthia, I must insist you call it a docket."

Soapy said...

"Hardy, Perkins check your boots."
"Well someone has, it's all up the hall carpet."
"No of course it's not me I...oh hang on, yes it is. Can one of you chaps fetch a stiff brush."

Quartemouse and the ...stiff talking to from the housekeeper.

Soapy said...

Quartermouse and the bit.

"Shouldn't it go between his teeth professor"

"Thank you Hardy, probably information best imparted before your mentor is hoofed across the stable yard."

"I think your tweedy jacket has gone the way of the hall carpet professor."

"And thank you too Perkins. Now is anyone going to help me up?"

Dan Abnett said...


nik said...

see I was going to do:

Quatermouse and the Chit (II)

"Professor Quatermouse, Professor Quatermouse, the cat's done a docket in the hallway!"

...but I guess I was beaten to it

Toymachine said...

The Quatermouse and the slit

"Ah, what a lovely day for a swim! I say, why does everyone run away?"

"Um, professor? The thong goes on the back."

Martin said...

Uuuhh, take it away... make these pictures go away...

Robert said...

Man, I did Quartermouse stories all the way to Texas (12 hours) but most of them were taken.

But I'm so glad this caught on.

My entries, which I couldn't stop writing because I wronged a Gypsy and may never sleep on planes again:


Quartermouse and the Bit II

"These are country people, Hardy, they won't respect me if I don't have a horse."

"Ok, I can see the saddle and reigns, but this thing in my mouth hurts."

Quartermouse gave his spurs an experimental jangle. "That's because you're not champing enough."

Quartermouse and the Pit

"The man at the register SAID these cherries were seedless, professor."

"Well I just broke a tooth."

(Congrats Marco, I spent half the Pacific Ocean trying to figure out how to do the Marital Bliss-Pearl one.)

Having lots of fun with Mainland Culture Shock. (Was that THUNDER?! It's 2 PM, that's not allowed! And why are there so many white people everywhere? Let's eat where? What's an Applebee's? Does all their food have apples?)

Robert said...

Oh Dan– before you follow up Fell Cargo read Captain Alatriste if you haven't. It's by Arturo PĂ©rez-Reverte and I swear the guy is channeling Sabatini.

Soapy said...

Okay, one more.

Quartermouse and the Pitt

"Seriously, Angelina over Jen?" slurred the professor.

As their lord and master was dragged from the posh reception Perkins turned to Hardy.
"I told you three Appletinis would be plenty. That's a tenner you owe me."

Dan Abnett said...

Tremendous kudos to all. I laughed a great, great deal.

And now:

Quatermouse and the Zit

"Just squeeze it, you moron," exclaimed Professor Bernard Quatermouse, "or at least apply some Clearasil."

"Prof?" said Hardy. "Prof, could you bugger off out of the bathrom, please?"


Quatermouse and the Git

"Him?" said Professor Q, "why he's just a ninker. Ignore everything he says."


Quatermouse and the Squit

(yeah, sorry all)

"Are you all right in there, Bernard?" Perkins called.

"Ughhn!" exclaimed the Professor. " Jeremy, could you put some loo rolls in the fridge? It looks like Bombay Doors again."

Robert said...

Quartermouse and the Split

"Professor, do you think we should keep going with a new title word, or just drop it while it's still funny? We're running out of rhymes."

"Well I'll tell you one thing Hardy," said Quartermouse, "I think Dan's finally found a room full of writing monkeys."

Martin said...

Hrhrhr! :D

Dixx said...


Saberrox said...

Quartermouse and the Banana Split:

"What's that you've got?" asked Hardy.

"Why, 'tis a dairy dessert I found at the grocery store!" exclaimed Quartermouse. "A curious fusion of ice cream and fruit."

There was an awkward silence.

"Toss me your pocket knife, please, Hardy." said Quartermouse.


"It's a split, you dolt, I must cut it in half, obviously!" snapped Quartermouse.

Badum tish!

(I know, it's bad. I'm hungry and I can't think well right now)

Matt said...

hi im new to all this so im goin to ask some Q's

first who is Prof Quatermouse?

Seacond why is this so random

and third....erm no actually ill leave it at that


Matt said...

well i dont know about ur short stories but heres mine (sorry about the spelling mistakes)

Bill and Bob


"yes bob?"

"ive got a crush on that person on that TV commercial, but i dont know who they are."

bill looked up from his paper in a concerned look

"bob, do u mean that person from that music player commercial?"


Bill looked back down at his paper and sighed

"Now you just know there's something wrong with you when you get a crush on a shadow in an i-pod commercial"