TV Highlights to look forward to...

Here’s the inside track on some of the new directions that TV will be going in 2013. Some very exciting developments, all of which are guaranteed to combine your favourite shows.

Now that Disney has secured the rights to the Star Wars franchise, we can expect a number of films and shows exploiting the potential variations of this immense licensing opportunity. My sources indicate that Disney is particularly keen to combine the crowd pulling appeal of Star Wars with the massive television audience ratings of the classy BBC period drama, so before the year’s end look out for the flagship new drama series “TaunTaun Abbey”, featuring Hugh Bonneville as Grand Moff Crawley, Rob James-Collier as the sinister looking one who skulks around in the back rooms and gives away the location of the Millennium Falcon’s landing bay while wearing goggles and a big nose, and Maggie Smith as a scruffy looking nerf herder.

Death Metal of a Salesman. Hotly anticipated reality tv show where the front man of Metallica joins creative forces with members of one of Sweden’s most notorious black metal bands in an effort to bring to the London stage a brutal yet muscular musical version of Arthur Miller’s classic play.

Last of the Summer Winehouse. The BBC scrapes the very bottom of the barrel in an attempt to find bits of Amy Winehouse footage that have not yet been anthologised, and comes up with some fleeting segments of the 1993 Jules Holland’s Hootenany when she was in the crowd at the back.

Big Shit, Little Shit. Frankly I can’t believe that the commissioning editors at CBeebies thought this was a good idea.

Gran Torino Designs. Clint Eastwood takes over from Kevin McCloud and talks us through the design and construction of some extraordinary and pretentious, middle-class self-build projects, before slightly curling his lip to camera and explaining why the World is a better place now that they’re dead. Featuring an Arne Jacobson chair with no one in it that Clint talks to as if it’s his co-host.

Nigella Lawson Lets You Actually Touch Them. I think the appeal of this show is aptly demonstrated in its title. May include meringue.

Goodness Gracious Meerschaum. In a desperate attempt to find a fresh take on the Holmes myth, Channel 4 relocates the story to Bombay, where a call centre worker (The Big Bang Theory’s Kunal Nayyar) discover’s that the random “western name generator” has allocated him the name Sherlock. He decides to uphold the legacy and become a detective. Capers ensue. Featuring Lucy Lu for no readily apparent reason.

TOWIE (The Only Way Is Exhaust-port). Set your deflectors to double-front for this new, high-octane quiz show, presented by Philip Schofield and Clare Balding. Part first-person-shooter and part one-of-those-ridiculously-complicated-games-they-play-before-the-national-lottery. Contestants are coached by Philip on how to hit a target not much bigger than a womp rat in Beggar’s Canyon back home, in order to win the Big Money Prizes. Highlight of the show is the moment when Clare Balding suddenly goes strangely slack-jawed and clacks out the program’s key catchphrase, “it’s a trap!” in a muppet-stylee.

Beastenders. From the people that brought you Masters of the Universe and the people that brought you Eastenders. Look! They’ve brought you something you didn’t even know you wanted. At all.

Richard Hammond’s Secret Service. Honest to god, dude, you really don’t want to know what this show is about.

Top Gear. With Gok Wan. On the Nurnberg Ring, Gok brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Show us your bangers.” Also, James May repeatedly says, “please stop touching me.” in an increasingly plaintive voice.

Gok Wan, Purl Wan. Knitting show.

Time Time. Tony Robinson and Phil Harding get their hands on a flux capacitor and a DeLorean, and haphazardly rewrite the history of 80s cinema. Nothing good results from their escapades, but Phil gets to say, “God, aaarrhh!” a fuck of a lot.

Flog it! Paul Martin comprehensively reinvents the antiques show in such a way that it is no longer an antiques show at all, but rather a gruelling catalogue of human perseverance. Featuring Philip Serrell.

Master Chief. Greg Wallace and John Torrode oversee the nail-biting competition to find the next HALO petty officer. Featuring Michel Roux-117 as the acceptable face of the Covenant.