Thursday, December 23, 2010

Huzzah! It's the Primary Clone's Fiendish Christmas Quiz!

Or HUSSAR! as we say in this house.




Pausing first to wish Nik the happiest of happy birthdays on this, the 24th of December, 2010 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NIK! - let us proceed directly to the awesome sauce that is The Primary Clone’s Reasonably Difficult 12 Days of Christmas Quiz.

First, the rules. There are no rules! I laugh and throw small bits of rolled-up toilet paper at rules! Rules? Hah! Bother me not with rules!

Okay, here’s the way it works. It’s just for fun, see? Fun? Yeah? Remember that? They used to sell it by the ounce back in the nineteen seventies (ready-rubbed or shag). So this quiz is all about a bit of mind-probing fun. I’ll post the questions today, and the answers on New Year’s Day, so you can find out how clever you’ve been. BUT...there is a thirteenth question. Post your answers to that on the blog here during the course of this week (ie before midnight on the 31st of December, 2010), and I will choose three winners who will receive special prizes. Prizes! Prizes, I tell you!

Now, what that means is anyone can enter, as many times as they like, but if you sign in anonymously, I’ll never be able to identify you and send you that prize. So...when you post your answer, IDENTIFY yourself, and email the answer to the site with your name and address so I can get back to you if you’ve won.

That’s got all that out of the way. Let’s have some Christmas Inquisitorial fun! Warm yourself a nice Santa hat, put your Yule log in the upright position, pull up a mince pie and, if you’re sitting comfortably, I’ll begin.

On the First and Only day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... a Colonel-Commissar Gaunt. What was the name of the no-nonsense Major in the Hyrkan regiment who used to keep an avuncular eye on Gaunt when he was still Oktar’s cadet?

On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... two Downlode sharks. 2000AD’s hitman gunsharks Sinister Dexter, of course, who are Finnigan Sinister and Ramone Dexter. But what are their middle names (hint: Ray has got two)?

On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... three Ordo works. Looming on the creative horizon is the Bequin Trilogy, which will complete the cycle begun in Eisenhorn and Ravenor to form a trilogy of Inquisition trilogies (threes, geddit?). Anyway, what’s the name of Ravenor’s most famous work, and for an extra point, who’s favourite book is it?

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... four Mournivals. According to the Horus Heresy series, the “Mournival” of the Luna Wolves has had many different members over the years. Discounting the four that were serving during Horus Rising (Loken, Abaddon, Aximand and Torgaddon), name four previous members of the confraternity.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... five War Of Kings! Well, Marvel Cosmic anyway. Springing out of the big War of Kings and Thanos Imperative events, we’ve just announced a new cosmic superteam, The Annihilators, made up of Quasar, the Silver Surfer, Ronan the Accuser, Beta Ray Bill and Gladiator. What are the alter-egos of all five members... and, therefore, which one doesn’t use a ‘stage name’?

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... six saucy swear words. Where do the following cuss-words come from (you may be geographically specific, or simply refer to the series or franchise): feth, funt, sprock, hjolda, gak, flark?

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... seven Doctors Who-ing. I have a particular soft spot for the Seventh Doctor, Sylvester McCoy, because he was the TARDIS resident when I was writing strips for Doctor Who Magazine. That early work lodged in the memories of good folk like Gary Russell fondly enough to get me an invite back to write audios and novels for Who and Torchwood in the noughties. My two Big Finish audios actually starred Sylvester and Sophie. But what was the name of the new assistant I introduced to the series in them?

On the eight day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... eight legs of badness. In Kingdom, for 2000AD, drawn by the fabulous Richard Elson, the big bad is Them, hyper-evolved insectoid horrors that have conquered the Earth. Who’s the hero standing in Them’s way, and what is he (and the others of his kind) named after?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... nine
Heroes Hiring
. Marvel’s Heroes For Hire has a huge guest list and rotating cast of classic Marvel “street level” characters. Heroes are brought in - “hired” - for missions specific to their skill sets. In the first four issues alone we’ll have Falcon, Black Widow, Paladin, Misty Knight, Electra, Moon Knight, Silver Sable, Ghost Rider and... well, who will the ninth be? Actually, that’s not the question, because that would just be a guess, really, wouldn’t it? So try this: who is Control, and who’s REALLY in control?

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... ten battle brothers. Ultramarines The Movie is out there now, in all its glorious shooty-death-kill-in-space wonder. So, Astartes, what’s the name of the mission team’s cynical apothecary? And, for the record, “Astartes” is pronounced Az-tar-tease. Not ‘arse-tarts’. I mean, come on.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... eleven mangled lyrics. We like a mangled lyric in this house, we really do. From “Bring me an iron lung”, to “It’s all right, babies come in bags”, to “Don’t stand so colostomy”. But which Hussar-inspired jazzy Christmas lyric do we traditionally mangle in this household at this time of year (hint: Nik mentioned it on our Twitter feed this week).

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me twelve Angry Robots, eleven mangled lyrics, ten battle brothers, nine Heroes Hiring, eight legs of badness, seven Doctors Who-ing, six saucy swear words, five War of Kings! Four Mournivals, three Ordo works, two Downlode sharks, and a Colonel-Commissar Gaunt! Those splendid, if slightly irate, mechanoids at Angry Robot published my novel “Triumff: Her Majesty’s Hero” this year, and I’ve recently finished my second book for them, the combat SF thriller “Embedded”. For a brand new publishing venture, AR have enjoyed considerable success. Which (excellent) book won them a well-deserved Ditmar award in September? And, while we’re at it, which two books split the 2010 Best Novel Hugo award?

And the crucial, prize-winning thirteenth question...

Complete the following sentence: “I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but...”


There you have it. I hope it titivates your brain-cells for a short while over the Christmas break. If you’re not breaking for Christmas, for whatever reason (and I know that at least one reader is a policeman rostered on over the weekend, another is a doctor on-call, and at least half-a-dozen are serving in Iraq or Afganistan), be well and be safe. To everyone, wherever you are, a very Merry Christmas, and a peaceful and prosperous New Year.

Thanks for reading.

Dan

25 comments:

Yohann Delalande said...

Merry Emperor-mas to you too!!
By the way, I was lucky enough to receive Ultramarines before Christmas (with all that snow blocking transit both in the UK & France), to watch it twice, to be thrilled by this piece of work twice, and to be looking forward to a third.
Oh! And reading Prospero Burns at the moment. In one word: WOW!
Okie dok' that's all. Have a great festive time.

Big said...

HAAAAAAAAAPPPIIIIEEEE,
CHRRRIIISSSSTTTTMMMAAAAASSSSSS

BigWill said...

Happy Birthday Nik.
I hope they throw an UnBirthday for you in June ;)

And Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all who frequent here especially to the Abnetts.

Ho Ho Ho

frieslander said...

all the comic book questions end with the answer pass.

I wouldn't say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, who's voice drowns out all others. was fat but when he swims in the sea his displacement drowns out all others.

Merry Christmas Dan to you and your whole clan. Have a fantastic day
David Defries :)

DavesNotHereMan said...

I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... when the men start referring to you as "The Space Hulk" you should probably consider devouring a few less worlds.

or

I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... that tubby bitch really needs to cut down on the doughnuts. Would do him some good to pry that massive backside of his out of the throne once in a while and... oh crap... he's standing right behind me isn't he...

Tom said...

"...he looks like a Slaaneshi worshiper with those man boobs."

The Bigyin said...

Seasons greetings Dan.

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but I've had Nurgle on the vox for almost 15 minutes. Apparently the lederhosen he lent to the Magister have been returned and are now less lederhosen and more MC Hammer pants.

BigWill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BigWill said...

I finally got to read the Strange Demise of Titus Endor.
I might be biased because it is an "Eisenhorn"story so to speak,but I think this is one of your best yet.
Very Deep and once you read it a second time it get even better.
Now I get why he could dance so good by just watching once.
I hope after the Bequin trilogy you always write some sort of Inquisitor stories.

They showcase some of your greatest 40k fu.
The descriptions and settings of the cultures of the 40k era.
I love how there is a ton of courting and protocol on a world where Men outnumber women.
Well done.

Here is the work so far on "G for Gretta"
I may be getting carried away :)

http://z15.invisionfree.com/The_Great_Crusade/index.php?showtopic=4223&st=0

Hurrah for the Hussar said...

Merry Crimbo and candlemas to you too!

I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but he has a picture of Idresha Cluwge and a full jehgenesh on his Weightwatchers diary for his 'weight shapes I want to get to' targets.

Xhalax said...

Wow....I failed so miserably on all but one of those questions.

Kelly said...

I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but the phrase 'The Great Devourer' comes to mind.

Bix said...

Thanks for the quiz Mr A kept me sane and safe through the Eastenders Christmas broadcast,I don't know how my good lady stands it. I'd rather stare at a Glyph.

Hope your Candlemass has been a good one. Here's my go at the 13th.

'I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but when he orders take-away, they deliver his Grox Burgers by Mass Cargo Conveyance!'

Templar said...

And, for the record, “Astartes” is pronounced Az-tar-tease. Not ‘arse-tarts’. I mean, come on.

I noticed that they sung it that way in the background chants in Ultramarines. Good to have that settled.

On a similar note though, how does one pronounce "Arbites"? Ar-bee-tease, Ar-by-tease, or what?

frieslander said...

Templar: I've always gone for Ar-byt-es or Ar-bit-es (depends on how I read the word the first time it is mentioned in a book).

Blitzspear said...

I wouldn't say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, who's voice drowns out all others, was fat but he makes Ork Gargants look anorexic.

And in Anciant worlds on bbc2 Richard Miles pronounced it as-tar-tease. He was talking about the Phoenician goddess of fertility thoe.

Rob said...

Without further ado...

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... don't get him a 40mm round base for Secret Santa, he likes to pretend he can still fit a 25mm.”

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... he really needs to lay off those arse-tarts.”

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... I would tell him you said it. Bet you're rethinking that performance review now, aren't you, you middle-managing feth-head?”

Rob said...

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... he just quit the command center to follow an ice cream truck. No, not down the street, on tour. He's a Haagen-Daz groupie.”

BigWill said...

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat but
The 13th Black Crusade was really started because his fat ass got stuck in the Eye of Terror and the Black Legion had to grease the sides and coax him through with a Twinkie"

Sad187 said...

Hey Dan!
I havent figured out yet how to copy abd pace with an iphone, so i hope u forgive me that my answers start at the 'but'. Thx in advance;-)

, but when the Emperor's lapdogs are finally driven out of the Sabbath worlds he surely gets his own postal code!

, but..... ähhh wait, no i wouldnt say he is fat. Man that dude really scares me. Id rather face a Khorne Berzerker telling him he fights like a sissy than say anything about the mighty Sek behind his back!

, but damn u know what i want to say!? No? 'sighes' Boy did u never wonder where all these corpses we pile up go?Right, to Sek's command bunker. And i never saw fuberal pyres or something like that....

, but if he continues becoming fatter our fleet wont be able to travel in the warp and jump back safely because of the gravity field he generates!

Dan, it was real hard research to answer all of your twelve previous questions and i was a bit pis.. ahh dissapointed when i finally recognized they werent necessary to qualify for the prizes(Prizes i tell you, my prizes, OUR PRIZES - laughs like a maniac) but that was my fault! Should have checked twice;-).
But it was fun to do anyway, not the fun like 'man that joke was good i could laugh all day', it was more the 'damn i didnt knew Dan did that, thats very interesting' fun of learning something new/interesting.
Thx for that(and keeping me busy^^) Dan.

Have a good new year, Nik and Dan!
Take care

Sad187 said...

One more;-)

, but not even Dan Abnett and Nik Vincent together could describe his size and proportions in a single novel!

Ok thats the last one (for now).

, but he even makes a Tyranid bio titan look gaunt!

Cheers
Sascha Dietl

BigWill said...

Oh good one Sad
your Nid reference gave me one more.

I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat
But he constsntly running from Tyranid hive minds who try to eat his enormous biomass

MBartlett said...

I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but...

...All the other pilots get to fly their masters around in plush landers or sporty little shuttles and I have the singular pleasure of piloting his unholy bulk about using that Skytalon over there.

...His bed does have caterpillar tracks and a team of servitors to pull it around his chambers so it doesn’t sink into the floor.

...I think he is trying to enlarge his frame enough that a greater daemon can fully fit inside a human body for once.

...His bodyguards have had to practice synchronised diving in order to make sure they stand a chance of getting in the way of any shots.

Happy Firetide All!

Rob said...

“I wouldn’t say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, whose voice drowns out all others, was fat, but... if he's going to keep using the Large Hadron Collider as a belt, we need to put another notch in it.”

frieslander said...

I wouldn't say that Magister Anakwanar Sek, who's voice drowns out all others, was fat,
but evidently once he apears in a Gaunts Ghosts novel he will be as Dan has now made him fat be writing the first line of this joke. All hail the writer, the builder of worlds, creator of characters.